Maybe this is the time of the period when I feel extremely worn out by everything. So lack of motivation in whatever I am doing right now. I feel like not giving my best to it because what I get in return is always not even half of it.
I know clearly how I push people away when I'm in a bad shape that's because I don't want to hurt him/her further with this side of me. I'm so tired of having to pretend times to times again, I'll have to remind myself that I'm fighting this alone. Not even a single soul would actually bother cause ultimately, no one really cares.
Went to jog earlier and tired the shit out of myself. I can't even grasp my breath and this is how bad I actually treat myself. "Why are you being so hard on yourself?" I get that a lot. I couldn't figure it out myself either. Days like these I really feel terrible terrible inside. as much as I hate being like a emotional bitch, my tears just wouldn't stop flowing out. I remember how Firduas gave me a hug after the event and he just keep patting on my back, I tear, literally. Weiting saw it all but I just had to tell her to keep it to herself. Where all I ever wanted is for someone out there to actually give me some assurance, some encouragement , some motivation.
I wish I have some one to rely on instead of being all strong and independent since young and even up till now. I miss being happy. I'll give my all to make someone happy, but who will be there for me when I need someone to make me happy? Talk is cheap. The irony of life. very very exhausted lately when all I could do it to sleep it off.
I swear while I am typing this out, my heart pierced like a knife.
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