I fear disappointments

 I should learn to blog when I am happy. Because I know how at this point of time, that if you've been reading this space, I'm most certainly portrayed as someone who is always in continual sadness; which I am not. I was happy, happy for the past week before shit happens, before my mind blows certain small issues into earth-shattering ones.I'm not sure if I feel broken, or sadness? Or maybe none. Just helpless. Perhaps, it's all of the above, and sometimes too much of something, simply numbs you. Numb to the point where you feel as though everything's picture perfect when it's all breaking apart. This is hard.


This week hadn't been so well. School work is suffocating me . The worst thing you could ever feel is when you don't know how to start attempting some of the questions. How useless can I get? My feelings went down the hill , like right to the very bottom . I'm so sad , I swear I am :<


Yknow, there's a number of question that pop out on my mind the last few nights
1. 'If one day , i disappeared , will anyone ever notice ?"
2. "What if one day , I've fallen sick , will anyone take care of me ?"
3. "Does anyone else out there NEED me around? "
4. "I trust my best friends , but do they trust me ?"


It's really heartbreaking when I tell my best best best best best and only best friend , all my daily feelings , emotions , any happenings , any updates on my life , or even the most hidden secrets of all . I am totally being myself when I'm with them .I cry a lot, being hyper , fuss and fight with my best friends , whine a lot and the list goes on and on. That's my true self. I only tell my 3 really trustworthy and best friends. That's my darlings and honey.   I question myself, am i too annoying for them ? am i too difficult for them to handle ?  I wish my best-est friend can really trust me as much as i do . Yknow, how much it hurts when your best friend refuse to tell you anything ? I want to share the burden , I want to be there for her, but ...they just refused to let their guard down . It's pretty hurtful . At that point of time , I really really have the urge to scold you , Rant everything out .... it's the second time such things happen already, how much longer can i take ?  No one understands this shit feelings . I hidden it well . But deep down , it's already tearing me....... apart. Haiz.  It makes me so vulnerable when my close friends hurt me , disappoint me so much that i really dunno what to do ...............:"(  My best friends complete me . They are so significant to my life which i cannot afford to lose any one of them 


I really just hope for the best , pray for the best to all my best friends especially the specific three. It's okay , if no one trust me enough  , everything don't matter. It matters so much to me that all of them are happy. really. 
I'm submerged in my very own puddle of guilt. Although, honestly, I feel there's nothing to feel guilty about. Yet somehow, guilt is able to find its way to my heart, and it's certainly making me feel extremely miserable. I cannot comprehend how wretched this whole episode makes me resemble. I feel horrible. I shouldn't be so harsh just now. My apologies to honey . :< I don't feel good at all.  


Stay strong and take care.