Messed up.

Had been watching a Korean drama for the past few days.  It's called '49 Days'. I'm still halfway through the series and I must admit, it make me tear so hard that I can feel my heart sank. I cried so bad. It dawned upon me and trigger me to think.

The drama is basically about the young girl which has somewhat become a spirit after an unexpected car accident and she need to find 3 drops of pure tears from someone that truly love her in order to survive back. Sound pretty cliche isn't it ? but i swear the drama is super nice and definitely worth my tears and time.

So I was wondering, when I died who will be the ones that truly loves me or many of my friends are just hypocrites. I really don't know. Many people come and go this is something I must accept if that ever happens to me. In fact , it already happened to me . I lost some love ones along the way and each time the memories and traces of them haunt me especially xx. I don't deny I still yearn for that particular one to text me or meet up with me or something like that.. (Forget it.) I did some self reflection today and I concluded that I'm really a lonely person. I don't have much friends with me but only a few best friends that stay true to me and accept who I am. For that , I'm extremely grateful and they know who they are=)

Today I'm at my worst. I lose my tantrum unknowingly and had a part of me exposed. I hate myself for that and I regretted it probably I should have handle the situation better and not let emotions take control of me. After I left, I was really emotionally drained , I want to let it all out so bad but when I scrolled through my contact list, I realized there's nobody I can actually find to confide my feelings to . I went home and just sleep for hours with my broken heart. Never felt this lousy for a long time. Probably I'm better off being alone like that. The very least, thanks to my bff for that concern text which actually make me feel loved again.

May today NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN, because I make a promise with myself not to feel sad outwardly and that to treat myself better.