Sometimes , i really don't understand myself . I've been feeling really useless...... I hate this feeling . I no longer can play well. This interior fear is killing me . Ever got this feeling when the more you train, the harder you practice , in the end , you will just get more and more demoralized by the way you played. My layup percentage is getting lower and lower . My accuracy is nowhere .
To tell the truth , i hold myself back ever since i came back from Nepal . I've been missing countless of trainings because of Leopards. I'm not blaming Leopards for it but the feeling you get when your teammates is improving and either you still remain the same or drop .Then , when you are in court and you don't know the formation , you'll pull down the whole team . The worst feeling is that there's no second chance. Once you make a mistakes inside , you will just get replace. I really hate it when i'm being sub out , cus to me , it just prove that i'm not worth the fight. I get really demoralized like drop all the way to the bottom.
During training , when i tell myself to practice and play hard , but when i can't get the things that i used to be the most confidence in like layup and stuff right , i'll get frustrated. A number of times , i broke down , tears came out but i bet no one notice it. All my fustration , anger , upset and disappointment all went out..... This is not me . I don't understand why the feel is not coming back . And today match , it just prove it all. I'm lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy , what more could i get? I'm getting replace so easily. My teammates is getting stronger and stronger and we are all fighting for the position . I think what she said was right , i am being too reliant on seniors. I don't dare to control the ball today . I'm shaking and the feeling just isn't right. My mouth just doesn't want to shout out the fear . I'm like totally mute and i just cannot take it. I really want to help my teammates that are struggling to score but now what am i to help ? I'm just pulling everyone down.
However , i'm really thankful when Xu jiaolian gave me numerous chance inside the court today ..I didn't score , i didn't defence properly , i have many miss passes , he still sub me out a few times only. I really can see his giving me chance. I just know it , i guess ? Like for the first time , is him that gave me the courage. I rememeber when i was in sec 2 , having northzone . He is the one that pad me on my shoulder and say "you can do it, Must have confidence , i trust you . " (Something like that in chinese) and when i score , he clap and motivate me outside the court. It definitely boost my confidence level to a lot a lot a lot.
Yet now , it's all different. No second chance , no nothing.
I really wanna find back my passion , i don't want to waste another year again. I hope WE can really achieve our champion. I want it . :( so much ..
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